No. 20: Showers are for Cellulite and Conviction

kardashians, the wisdom of an eight year old and a healthy serving of humble pie

First things first: the very first episode of my ‘good as gold’ podcast went live yesterday! I share all about the most difficult year of my life and the string of miracles that brought me to baby number four. I hope this podcast brings you joy today. From now on, episodes will release every other Wednesday right here on Substack and I’ll share a link in the gold standard for those who missed it unintentionally. Now, onto the newsletter.

The other day, I had a moment of absolute pure humility handed to me during my evening shower. What exactly is it about the shower that brings out the supernatural version of us? I can never quite figure out if it’s the sheer vulnerability of being naked, looking down at the bubbles running through my toes, lathering soap over my cellulite and new softness or if the shower is a portal to a WHOLE NEW SELF. Shower-me is an attentive listener, an expert rememberer, a brilliant thinker and the greatest singer of our generation. The second I squeak the lever to the right and open the door back to the cold, I can assure you, supernatural shower-me is gone.

The other day, while snuggling on the couch watching the Buccs get demolished, I found a fourth quarter timeout the perfect time to bring up something I had seen earlier that day. I mentioned to O that Khloe Kardashian was using diabetes medication she doesn’t need and knows is in shortage just to lose weight. Noticing the lack of raised eyebrows and agape mouth in response, I added “I guess she’s lost a ton of weight lately but she didn’t even disclose this part of it and just claims it’s all from exercise.” I threw in a healthy mixture of, “can you even believe?” and “it’s so wrong” smatterings to seal the deal. To present my offering.

And as I should have expected from my drama abhorring, gossip loathing, Kardashian ignoring husband, his response was, “why does anyone care about this?”

I wouldn’t know until I stepped into my personality portal (you know, the shower,) that what I actually felt when I heard his response was a cocktail of shame, conviction and guilt. What I thought I felt in the moment—pre portal— was righteous anger.

I explained in my irritated but still sort-of smiling voice that this was just information from a video on my YouTube homepage. That he knows I of all people don’t even care about the Kardashians. I don’t watch their show or follow what they’re up to or read gossip columns or see their social media drama. I don’t chase down information on their weight-loss or relationships or scandals—this video found me! But since I indulged in the video and I’m a human who can declare a simple fact when I see one, I can happily confirm the fact that this was wrong.

His response to my rational explanation was infuriating.

His calmness and confusion (and silent chuckles) at my level of passion-turned-rage was even more so.

Before I knew it, I was shouting. Actually shouting. Friends, I never, ever shout. I honestly think I claimed that he sided with the Kardashians and at one point said his holier-than-thou attitude was belittling and dismissive. Poor guy was absolutely blindsided.